I had started this blog a while back, and I had all the intentions of writing it for Dean. Then I stopped because as much as I want to believe I could do this for him and I know what he would want me to write, I don't. It's been hard to accept that - the fact that there is such an immense portion of my child that I still haven't gotten to know in three and a half years. I've barely scratched the surface of knowing how it feels to be him, I only know for certain how it feels to be his mom. So I started this over to write it for myself, because I probably need it more than he does.
I now know why they call kids like him mysterious. Around the time he was diagnosed with autism, we still had these milestones and these hopes that maybe he'd meet them. We've gone past all that, with some triumphs and some heartbreak.
Now we are in uncharted territory. Every child is different and every child with autism is unique. We have no idea what's coming, we just know that no matter what we have to keep trying.
There's no more "by the book". There's no more "what to expect when...". Everything is a surprise. But as each thing unfolds I realize how wonderful that is because Dean meets his milestones when we least expect them. It can be what seems like the most miserable day, and that's when he will bust out with something new and wonderful he couldn't do before.
Last weekend we were waiting for the train at Disney, one of his favorite parts. Out of nowhere as the train approached he started exclaiming "All Abooooard!". Just like the conductor. We had no idea he was paying attention any of the times we had ridden it before, but here came the steam engine and he had memorized what comes next. Even better, he shared it with us.
I still care about bringing his world into mine, but I'm equally grateful just for the moments I get brought into his.
